The First Year

Our cake topper after one year

<3 Happy FIRST Anniversary my love <3 

I cannot believe that our first anniversary is already here and what a year we have shared together. Looking back on this past year, we have had many ups and downs and despite it all have made it to this great milestone. Although I knew we would never separate, I often wondered how we were going to make it through the very early months. I wondered if we would be living a life of only "pull you down and drag them out" fights. After a few months, things started to settle down and we started to adjust pretty well to one another and married life. It has not always been smooth sailing but we survived the first year and we are looking forward to many more years ahead. 

Adjustments

True to any new marriage, the last year has been one of many adjustments for both of us. We both have had to adjust to new roles as husband and wife and to a new living arrangement. Since I quit my job and moved, there were few more adjustments added to the already obvious ones brought on by marriage. Adjusting to a new town and making all new friends proved to be more difficult than in previous moves. Kris was the only one I knew and he returned to work a few weeks after we were married. I felt alone and did not know how I was going to meet new people. We searched for different Church groups in the various bulletins but going to check them out turned out to be harder than I expected. During this difficult time, my faith started to slip and I felt even more alone. Desperately wanting to get me out of my rut, Kris kept suggesting groups to check out. Few seemed interesting and my fear, anxiety, and loneliness grew. Eventually, I was able to check out a few groups. It took a little bit time and effort to find my niche in each group but soon I was making friends and felt right at home. I had found the Church family I had been looking for and I began to feel more at home in my new surroundings. 

Changes

Some of the words of advice that we received before we got married was that you cannot change someone. As I have said in a previous post, I believe this advice to be true. We cannot change our spouse. They have to want to change in order for any change to occur. They have to choose to make a change. Although we cannot change them, we can encourage them to adjust their behavior, attitude, or thinking that will help the marriage grow and thus becoming a stronger person. Kris has always stood behind me and made me want more and do more in life. He has helped me to be a better person. We both have made changes in how we think and react in certain situations not because the other asked but because we knew that the change would strengthen our marriage. When I can see how the changes have affected our marriage then I start to see myself becoming a better wife. Even though the change was difficult at first, we both made some changes that helped improve our marriage. 

Growth & Maturity

Over the last year we have had to make some really hard decisions. Decisions that neither of us have had to make when we were single. I never thought myself to be capable of making these kinds of decisions. But we had to make them. Whether we made the right or wrong decision, there was not going to be someone to catch us if we should fall. We only had each other. I cannot say that we have made all the right decisions but we have made the ones that have been best for us and we are doing pretty well. I have seen Kris over the last year grow as a husband. He has taken the role of husband to new levels. He has taken on new tasks with 100% commitment. I could not be more proud to be his wife. I am still learning how to be a better wife. I am still learning how to manage a household. There are days I think I am winning and still other days when I feel like a complete failure. But no matter what kind of day I am having, Kris is always there to remind me and encourage me. These have been some of the toughest growing pains but they have been worth the effort and fight.

With the first year of marriage behind us, we look ahead to the next year. We continue to strive to be better individuals and grow as a husband and wife. We hope we can continue to take our roles as husband and wife to new levels. We do not know what this next year will bring but we look forward to whatever lies ahead.

Here is to another year ahead my love!

Model Family

We were so blessed to have been married at Holy Family Catholic Church. Not only was the Church and faith community one that I had grown to love but the guidance of the Holy Family can be seen throughout our marriage.

We have a model family for our own families here on Earth. The Holy Family consisting of Mary, Joseph, and the Jesus represent everyone that we are and hope to be. They are the prime examples for us in our lives as sons and daughters, sisters and brothers, mothers and fathers and any role that we may have in our family.

Mary

"Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word." (Luke 1:38)

In Mary's response to the angel Gabriel at the Annunciation, we see a great example of accepting God's will for us. She does not just say let it be done but she accepts that it is done unto to her just as He had said and planned for her. Mary accepted God's will without any question. She is the perfect example of wife and mother. 

Joseph

The Lord appeared to St. Joseph three times in a dream and he responded each with obedience. (Matthew 1:20-26, Matthew 2:13-15, Matthew 2:19-23)

The Lord appears to Joseph in a dream on three separate occasions. Joseph does what the Lord tells him to do in each dream. He first accepts Mary as his wife despite knowing that she is carrying a child which is not his.Then he takes Mary and Jesus to Egypt for their safety and protection. Then finally he brings them back to Nazareth when it is safe for them to return. He humbly accepts God's will for him. He sets an example of what it means to be husband and father.

Jesus

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done." (Luke 22:42) "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit" (Luke 23:46)

Jesus is our perfect example of love. He shows us how to follow the will of God even when it is not what we would do. He surrenders everything including His life to follow the will of God. He is obedient to His Father and His will. He is the perfect example of son (or daughter) and brother (or sister).

What role models we have in the Holy Family!

I pray that I can continue to follow God's will for us and our family.

Valentine's Day will Never be the Same

Valentine's Day for me had never been a day for lover's until recently. As I have shared with you previously, I was not always a pleasant woman on Valentine's Day. There was a time when I was a very bitter woman and even more so on Valentine's Day.

Throughout my entire life, I never had anyone on Valentine's Day. It was just another day to me. I had nothing to look forward to so the day often came and passed without much notice. In college, I had one too many bad experiences that either started or ended on Valentine's Day to make me bitter for quite a long time. Anyone I met on Valentine's Day was lucky if we became friends after he got past the bitter, sarcastic, and angry woman I portrayed myself to be.

Who would have thought that in 2001 sitting in front me at dinner on Valentine's Day would be the man I would eventually marry? Not me. Not him. Not anyone. I was so bitter that night we first met that when I met him again a week later it took me a few days to even realize it was the same person I had met on Valentine's Day. I did not want to give him a chance. I did not want him to be the one. I fought it but it was hard.

Our friendship grew in just a short time. We became close friends. It was that friendship that we developed that allowed us to take to the next step very easily. Our friendship is the one thing that we never changed. Even when we were not dating we still were very close friends. That bond of friendship could never be broken.

Kris remained my friend through everything. He was there for me in some of my lowest moments. He even picked up me up off the ground a time or two. He helped me to dust off the dirt and get back up on my feet. He was there to celebrate with me in my greatest achievements. Sometimes I felt like he was the only one who gave me that pat on the back that I needed.

What did he expect in return? Nothing. Just having me there so he could call me friend was enough. He did not expect any pay backs. I tried hard to be just as supportive to him as he had been to me but it did not come so easily for me. Yet sometimes it was enough just to call me friend.

I am such a lucky woman to not only have an amazing husband but my very best friend beside me. He is there for me through thick and thin. He still is the one who holds me up when I feel the ground to shake beneath me. He still is the one who helps me up when I fall down. He dusts off the dirt and gets me back on my feet. He is the one I cling to in the rough times. Long before he was my husband, he was my friend and to this day I can say that he still is. He is the very best friend I have ever had.

So this Valentine's Day will be our first Valentine's Day as husband and wife. This day and every Valentine's Day will never be the same. Valentine's Day will always be the day that I met the man who changed my life. The man who changed me for the better. The man who encouraged me to be more than I ever thought I could be. The man who believed that I could be more than I ever even wanted to be. The man who loved me like no one else ever could love me.

Valentine's Day will always be the day for me and my love to remember the day that we never thought would be. It is not the day I fell in love with him but the day I first laid eyes on him and my life has not been the same since.

With One Foot in Front of the Other

I have decided to take a few strides ahead in order to be a better wife. I want to do more to be a better wife and someday a great Mom. I am taking some small steps now that will one day lead to big strides toward the future. We can only take these small steps ahead with one foot in front of the other. If we try to do it any other way then we are just going to trip over our feet and fall down. So we move forward one step at a time. Set one or two smaller goals each day that will lead us to our final goal.

Here are a few February goals I have set for myself and what I hope it will lead me to in the future:

Goal #1: Make the bed everyday. Every morning after we both wake up and get out of bed, I want to make the bed so that we are not tempted to crawl back in bed. I want us to be up and out of bed and ready to start the day.

Goal #2: Clean our bedroom. Our bedroom is not a terrible mess but we have little stuff everywhere. The dresser is constantly cluttered. It is a comfortable place to be and we spend a lot of time in there. If I can keep the room clean and less cluttered, then it might not be such a comfortable place to spend the whole day.

Goal #3: Clean the master bathroom. The master bathroom has not been thoroughly cleaned since we were married. I want to organize under the sinks, medicine cabinet, and "junk" drawer. I want to get rid of anything that is excess that we do not use.

If I can accomplish these three goals, then I hope to spend less time on the computer and in our bedroom. Enjoy the rest of our house. I can start on other "projects" in the other areas of the house so we can continue to make this house into a home. I want to be able to go outside and enjoy the beautiful day. Since we keep our bedroom like a cave, it is hard to see the outside. I always want to enjoy the day but by the time I am motivated enough to do so, it is already too late. So I hope with these three goals I can motivate myself to want to get out and do more.

I am moving forward. I am taking huge strides toward the future one step at a time with one foot in front of the other.

My job: Stay at Home Wife

A close friend had been asking me how we came to the decision for me to be a full time stay at home wife versus a working wife when I moved here. It was not an easy decision for me to make personally but it was an easy decision for us to make together. It was not that my husband told me that I had to be a stay at home wife but he gave me the option to be a stay at home wife. If I need to go back to work for whatever reason (either personal or family) then I know I can. The option is always there for me to work but the decision to stay at home is truly a blessing.

Below you will find how I chose to answer her concerns about staying at home versus being a working wife.

A few questions to consider when deciding to stay at home:

1) Is the second income the difference between making ends meet and a few extra dollars for dinner and a movie once a month?

2) Is the primary income alone enough to cover your essentials -- food, water, electric, and mortgage?

3) Can you squeeze the budget in non-essential areas (health and beauty, leisure and entertainment and blow) and tighten in other areas (food and clothing)?

4) Do you have "extra" or increased expenses in certain areas due to your second income?

Here's how we explored each of these areas:

For questions 1 and 2:

Early in our marriage (a month or so after we were married) we explored our monthly budget. We took our monthly income (using Monopoly money) and spent EVERY dollar on paper.

Categories we considered:

1) non-negotiable: mortgage & car payments
2) monthly negotiable: food & gas
3) frequently occurring (not monthly): car repair & medical
4) other expenses: blow, leisure, entertainment, savings

We determined that my husband's salary (including overtime) alone would cover all of our monthly expenses. Anything I bring home would only be to help either pay down our debt faster or add to our leisure, entertainment, or savings. We could cover all our necessary expenses and still have enough for an occasional treat once a month or so.

For question 3:

As the months went by after we planned our budget, we realized there were certain categories we had omitted from the budget (unexpected medical expenses) We also realized that what we originally budgeted in some other categories were more than what we needed. So we were able to adjust the budget to fit in the new categories and pare down the others. We were still able to make my husband's income work each month without it being necessary for me to have to go to work.

For question 4:

Consider this. Let's do some math. Let's say you make $1000 a month working part time. You can subtract about 1/3 of that for taxes and payroll deductions so your take home monthly is approximately $700. But since you are working you now have increased expenses in other areas that you wouldn't normally have if you stayed home such as increased car maintenance. And perhaps now you eat out more since both of you are just too tired to make a nice home cooked meal. Not to mention you are both too tired and your quality time together isn't what it used to be. So with all the added expenses, your take home pay is now reduced to $300 to $400 a month. Can you adjust the budget and spending to save $400 a month rather than you having to go to work? If you can find areas where you can cut expenses, then it's like making $300 or $400 dollars that goes directly into your pocket. It's not taxed and you can spend it anywhere you need it. Saving money is positive income rather than outcome (money going out)

I have come to realize over the last nine months although I am not working outside the home, I make us money by saving us money. I have learned to save money at the grocery store and I have not purchased any new clothes since we have been married. I have tightened my personal blow budget and applied the money in other areas where we need it. I have sacrificed things that I really want for things that we really need. This helps us stay on track and on budget. Saving money truly turns our income into IN-come rather than OUT-come -- money going out for bills and unnecessary wants. It was not always easy for me to make these kind of decisions but I have learned to make choices for the greater good of our family rather than my own wants. I see sacrificing now will pay off for us in the long run. Denying ourselves these simple pleasures now will help to enjoy them later without concern for money.

Every few months, we revisit the idea of me working. It is more for personal reasons rather than family financial reasons. I start to miss working and the interaction with people. But after all is said and done and we openly discuss it, I choose every time to stay at home. I continue to make our house more than a building but a loving and welcoming home that we pray someday we can fill with children.

Being a stay at home wife has been the best job I have ever had. It is worth the hours I put in and the money I make. The benefits are the best. I have a beautiful home and an amazing husband who loves me with all his heart. What more can one ask for?

In retrospect: The Proposal

Proverbs 31: 10-31

Verse 29: "Many are the women of proven worth, but you have excelled them all."
 
Sometimes I look back on certain events in our relationship and I think about what I was thinking and feeling at that time and compare it to what I have learned and what I know now. I like to call these blogs "In retrospect." It is a way of looking back at things with fresh news eyes and seeing how it lead up to where we are today.

One such event I have often pondered is the day Kris proposed to me. On May 29, 2009 at St. Peter's Church in Naples, Florida Kris proposed to me out in what used to be the grotto and Stations of the Cross. The wooded area where it was located back in 2001 when we first met was over grown. We could not walk through each station. The only ones that could still be seen were Stations 12 to 14. There was to be no surprise about his proposal. I knew it was coming. I set up the whole day except the words and how it was all going to go down. I left all the details up to Kris. So what I thought would be no surprises turned out to be the best surprise of my life.

Events leading up to the proposal

We knew relatively quickly after our re-new-ed relationship in March that this time we either were going to get married or we were completely done. I was not going to settle for our relationship being completely done. I was going to do what I could to make sure that we were going to be married when it was all said and done. Nine years was just too much time to put into a relationship to see it end that way much less not in marriage. I knew my love for him was deep and true and I was not going to lose it this time. I just had to know for sure that his love for me was just as deep and true.

It took no time at all for both of us to realize that our love for one another ran deep and true. We both could not deny how we felt any longer. We knew after a few short weeks that this for sure was going to culminate in an amazing marriage. We just had to make sure that both set of parents were supportive of our wishes and desires. We had already seen that from his Mom and Dad since I had visited him several times after we re-new-ed our relationship. I had a new found relationship with his parents and it was going smoothly. My parents knew we were together again but were not quite sure where we were heading this time around. They had known Kris for the past nine years but were not certain if our relationship was ever going to go anywhere. They already suspected our intentions this time to get married but we had not told them directly. They still had some doubt in their mind if we were really going to take this to the next level or just walk away completely.

We told my parents a few days before my birthday May 2009 of our intentions to marry. My Mom seemed very hesitant to give us the okay. We were not asking so much for approval as we both were adults old enough to make this decision on our own but we wanted them to be aware and to accept that after nine years we finally were ready for the next step. My Dad seemed to be relieved that finally there was someone who could take care of me and look after me if anything should happen to them. He was okay to finally let go of the strings. My Mom was just not so sure if we both really knew what this meant. We more than knew. We were more than ready. We assured my Mom that we both knew what we were getting into and were willing to accept whatever challenges the future had to throw us. Despite my Mom's initial hesitation, they both congratulated us and welcomed Kris into our family.

The Proposal

Things moved pretty fast after we told my parents of our intentions. We purchased the ring I had been admiring on my birthday. It took some time to have it sized but we picked it up from the jeweler just a few days later. I knew in a short time that I would officially get the ring and Kris and I would finally be engaged.

The ring in its box

Kris had already had an idea of where he wanted to propose. He was thinking of several spots in St. Augustine where we had vacationed a few times. He did not know when we would have the chance to go there again. He was trying to plan it out when I had other ideas.

I was heading to Naples from Orlando for a work related conference for a weekend (May 29-31) just shortly after we picked up the ring from the jeweler. Kris was living in Bradenton which was not far from Naples. I had decided that it would be in Naples where we would get engaged. I wanted it to be at St. Peter's Church where we had attended Mass together when we first met in 2001. The rest of the details I left up to Kris to decide.

He planned a nice morning in Naples for our engagement. He came to Naples and picked me up at my sister's house where I was staying for the weekend. We drove out to Mass at St. Peter's Church. We were early for Mass so we sat in the car and listened to Christopher West talk about Theology of the Body - a teaching we both had grown to love and embrace as the foundation of our relationship. We held the ring in its box in both our hands. When it came time for Mass, we both headed toward the Church holding hands. We both knew what was soon about to happen. When got into the Church, we realized that there was no Mass being said at that time. We both were a little disheartened but instead spent time in Adoration at the Tabernacle in the chapel. It gave us both a chance to reflect. On our way back to the car, we ran into one of the priests. We asked him to kindly bless us and the ring. After finishing Christopher West's talk on Theology of the Body, we went out to the Stations of the Cross. There we found a bench in what remained of the grotto. We prayed the Stations of the Cross even though it was summer and Lent had long passed. Before we prayed, Kris read the reading from Proverbs on the ideal wife. I was amazed by the passage. I wondered if I ever could be such kind of wife. I wondered if I had what it took to be that kind of wife to Kris. The kind of wife I thought that he deserved. I prayed as he read the passage that I could be this kind of wife for him. I prayed that God would give me the strength and direction to be that wife. As we prayed the Stations, each prayer related somehow to marriage and the journey we were about to embark. It was as if God was giving me to answer and the tools needed to be that wife for Kris. After we finished praying the Stations, I sat on the rock under the cross. Kris knelt not on one knee but both knees and he used 3 verses from the passage he read to me to propose. He asked me if I would serve the poor with him. He asked me if I would laugh at the days to come with him. He asked me if I would be his good wife. I cried. He cried. Even now it makes me cry. He could not have said better words to me. He could not have planned the details better. I WAS surprised. The only answer I could give was a very emphatic yes. Yes I will be your good wife. After he proposed, we knelt before the cross and I asked the Lord Jesus to be the third person in this marriage. We asked him to be our spouse and be one with us. I know that on that day, May 29, 2009, he gave us his yes, too.

The ring with 3 diamonds

The rest of the day was a whirlwind. We had plans for lunch together to celebrate at the Ruby Tuesday where we met on Valentine's Day 2001. After lunch, we drove out to Ave Maria to buy something to help us remember the big day. We found a nice marriage blanket at one of the shops there. It has a picture of the Blessed Mother and her betrothed spouse St. Joseph. A good model for us as to what a true marriage should be.

Reenactment of the proposal

That evening we had dinner with old friends from Naples to not only celebrate birthdays but our engagement. It was a magical day for both us. One we will not forget.

So in retrospect, on that day I prayed to be that ideal wife for Kris. I prayed that I could have those qualities that he read to me from the book of Proverbs. I did not have the confidence to be that wife. But now looking back on that day, I realize that Kris did not read that passage to me so that I would have a model as to what kind of wife he wanted me to be but because he believed that I WAS already that kind of wife. He had found one worthy to be a wife. He had found his ideal wife. I am that worthy wife. I still struggle today (and I think I always will) to be that worthy wife. But I know that my husband believes that I already hold those qualities that make me a good wife. I am so blessed that my husband has the faith and confidence in me to be a good wife. I continue to pray that God gives me the strength to continue to be that good wife and the faith to know that I am.